For any other criticism i can follow this through , I’d rather start this post with a quoted expression of this novel i am reading that justly describes my mind for a while .
” What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary evening ! How all my brain was in tumult, and all my heart in insurrection . Yet in what darkness , what dense ignorance , was the mental battle fought ! I could not answer the ceaseless inward question – WHY I thus suffered ; now, at the distance of – i will not say how many years , i see it clearly . “
I know i write this on my present state of depressed mind , for i can find some definite reasons unknown still .
Nothing resides the capacity to render me happy , i feel . I have my heart sinking all day and night . And i feel no bit of exult anymore . I am upset at the very thought of being existent still ; as to feel hollow of this degree is something commendable for me .If i could just hide somewhere NONE can ever find me , i would take that time to summon all i can about my life today . To mourn about the ME i was born with and the time iv spent to being the person iv become today . At the edge of the globe i could jump off right now in all disappointment in me and all the fail of my heart that today re-sends depression to a new extent .
For all i could describe to express how i feel this moment to pass in full conscious of my mind, i could write a 600 pages bundle of emotions a human mind can encounter .
To being hungover if i could , id choose it over what i am obliged to go through right now . For there is none human i can recall this instant to make room of betterment inside me . I abhor the stay of memories in my brain for it is all that causes to pain, taking over my mental state of rock .
And the bit of personality confidence i momentarily try to flash when passing through a bunch of young guys on the corner of the sidewalk makes me even amazed at what it brings to my body a feigned sense of recognition and attention maybe . Though to confirm it to be true i have cared perhaps , very little to turn back a look .
But this second , revealing it all somehow is relieving me . For maybe by this effort , its reaching some people who persist on nothing to deem in me besides reading this , a rather insecure and broken passionate misery . For readers who consider things by a light invisible to my eyes yet .